Today in church in honor of the beginning of Black History Month (how is it February already!), we talked about race. We talked about what it really takes to be “woke” and how despite dismantling slavery we’ve never truly dismantled the lies that made it acceptable especially in the Christian church. It was powerful. As part of that it was also talked about how their needs to be understanding and community with all kinds of people, Christians should not be intentionally segregated. Thankfully that is not an issue for me, while making friends has always proved challenging I have always had a variety of friends I make friends with the young and old, black, white, and every other race, and many of my friends are all over the spectrum in terms of gender, politics, and religion. I love and appreciate it. I’m grateful that my friends constantly challenge me to see from a new perspective, it has been enriching to be a part of their stories.
What has always been challenging is how introverted I let myself be. Sometimes I get lonely, but I also recognize I enjoy being alone, a lot of time has been pleasantly spent by myself the only company being my crazy cat who is more than content to simply curl up and sleep. For example tonight, basically everyone is out getting ready to enjoy the super bowl with other people, even my husband who barely likes football. Instead I am home, very excited about a Domino’s order on its way deciding what movie I’m going to watch tonight. TAH (the awesome housemate) was making fun of me about it, but it’s not like I didn’t have options. I just didn’t want them.
Friendship has always been weird I crave it and yet I don’t always feel I have the full capacity to maintain it. Sure I have time, but I devote a lot of my time to my husband, then I’m working part time, I want to have space and flexibility to write, I have some responsibilities, and then I want some time to just be, that doesn’t always leave a lot of time to be with people. It’s funny I think I was more social when I was teaching, partially that’s because I wasn’t as depressed/wasn’t allowing myself to pay attention to how depressed I really was and because I spent so much time with people I didn’t want to be with, doing things I didn’t really want to do. I craved meaningful, joyful connection. Now that my work life is quieter and more enjoyable I don’t need as much distraction, hence spending Super Bowl Sunday delightfully alone.
I’m still working on the balance of being an introvert and being intentional with relationships. It’s something I’ll probably be playing around with for the rest of my life. And it does make the time I do spend with people that much richer. Since I spend limited time with others I do my best to be 100% present, I stay off my phone, I look you in the eyes when we talk, and I want to just really listen to you and enjoy you. I do recognize as well that as an introvert once you’re in my life I want to dig deep. Having a few friends I really know, love, and can count on, is way more important to me then having a lot of friends to hang out with. Because at the end of the day even when I can’t always see my friends due to distance, busyness, or introversion I know that I am deeply valued by them and deeply value them in return. So I may be alone not paying much attention to tonight’s Super Bowl (but trust me my loyalties still very much lie with the Patriots), I am in my own world content. Also my Domino’s order is on the road now, it’s going to be a good night.