So for the first time in my life I bought a bikini. It all started because my parents got me a gift card to Target. And you know how Target trips go, you have a $25 gift card just to buy a few things and then next thing you know you come out with only one thing you meant to buy and $60 worth of stuff. Or is that just me?
I bought it because it was on the sales rack (I still can’t get over that bikini’s cost about the same as one pieces, there’s so much less) for 75% off, my husband has been encouraging me to buy one for like ever, and I didn’t feel like a piece of trash wearing it. So I stuck it in the magical expanding Target cart (it’s really incredible), and proceeded to get a bunch of other things, some needed most not.
So far I have only worn the bikini once, at the indoor community center pool with my husband at a time I was certain only a handful of older people were there, and I still wore board shorts with it. I don’t love how I look in it, it just seems to too strongly acknowledge that I have a chubby stomach and awkward boobs, but my husband loves it and hopes beyond hope I’ll be laid out sexily in it on the beach.
And it’s been making me think about what I think of my body and how I dress in the summer in general. You see when it’s hot outside I don’t care. Like yeah I have some sense of modesty, but really I just want to be comfortable and not sweat too much. So shorts and tanktops are what I do. Mostly I just don’t want to think too hard about my body. That’s where my title #bodymeh comes in. I first read about it on this post on A Practical Wedding and it perfectly sums up how I feel about my body as an adult.
As a teenager it was a constant mix of I love my body, I look so cute in this top, I have nice thighs, to complete self loathing especially around my general size and height. It’s not easy always being the tall one, it’s also not easy constantly growing. Most girls settled into their adult shapes by about 15, I continued to grow for the next 5 years. I’ve really only felt settled into my adult body in the last 3 years.
Mostly I try to appreciate it or honestly just not think about it. My body is me and it helps me to do things, to get where I need to go. My body is the only one I’m getting as far as I can tell. I spent way too much time as a teenager being angry and anxious about lots of things, my body being one of the prime culprits. I simply don’t want to expend that energy on thinking and obsessing over my body. Energy that could be used doing things like writing, tanning, dancing, cuddling with my cat, spending time with friends, having sex. Whatever really.
More power to the people out their who love their bodies and always find it rocking. That’s really great, hasn’t been my experience though. Most days I put my hair into a decent ponytail, put on some comfortable clothes (comfort is key whether dressing for work or for chilling at home), freshen up and find myself okay. I’m able to go to work, or hang out with people, I can walk decent distances without getting out of breath, my collar bone looks nice in tank tops, I like how my skin contrast against bright colors. It’s good.
God made it good, even with it’s aches and pains, weird stretch marks, chubby stomach, butt sag, and feet. Side note: I’ve always just disliked feet. Like they help you move and that’s awesome, but their just kind of awkward things and in my case large, anyway…
So #bodymeh it is. The less I can think about it the better, I can wear a bikini if it will add a little fire to my marriage. I really don’t have to be self conscious in shorts and a tank top. It’s comfortable and frees my mind to put in time and energy to write. Sure I think about what I’m going to wear each day, especially at work, but life is too short to put in energy on things we don’t care about. Kudos to the girls who spend time putting on makeup and putting together hella cute oufits I deeply appreciate your existence in the world and think of you as cool works of art, for serious have you seen some of those kick ass looks on insta?
For some of us though #bodymeh is what we need, what can give us permission to just be ourselves exactly as we are.