So blogging that is still a thing I do. I fell like I need a deep infusion of something. Motivation? Inspiration? Vitality? Purpose? Spiritual awakening? All of the above? Probably. Life is very good in a lot of areas. My marriage, my friendships, my home life, basically for the first time in a long time I’m very content in my relationships. Work life is okay when I don’t dwell too hard on the fact that I spend most of my time doing stuff at work that drains me. Focus on the good 20% right?
Spiritual life? Writing life? Indulging in my hobbies life? Not where they should be is a polite way of putting it. I keep telling others and myself that in your 20s the freeing thing about it is that you don’t have to have it all figured out (and frankly you’re not going to). But there are some things I do know for sure. And much of those things are tied to who I am and the relationships I have, and if I’m not nurturing myself and my most integral relationship–the one I have with God, well, what am I really doing? Not a whole lot.
I think of my writing especially. Others have seen this part of me since I was very young. I have notebooks, full of stories, musings, and angsty emotions dating back to when I was 8. I remember distinctly when I was working on a project to talk about what careers I was interested and I listed everything from president of the United States to being a train conductor for the MBTA and the homeschooling mom who was helping me out suggested I consider being a writer since I was so interested in books and telling stories. Never once have my parents ever discouraged me or told me to not pursue writing because I wouldn’t make money. If anything they constantly encourage me and remain trusting that one day I will write that bestselling book they’ve always believed was within me.
As I re-enter the job searching market I realize that I don’t have a lot of faith in myself. That I’m not confident in my skills at times and I’m afraid that desperation I feel at times is all others can see. I get offered so much encouragement, I look at all the work and effort I put into earning my degree, I see how I keep at this blog even when I feel so distinctly: no one is reading, and yet still I wonder am I even a little decent at what I’m doing?
I think about my birthday and think about the guilt I had in the midst of the celebration. Guilt of so much attention on me. Guilt for the money we spent. Guilt that I took time off work. I forget how much I want others in my life to feel that specialness in their lives. I want to see and compliment their gifts and talents. I want them to feel like a King/Queen on their birthdays. I want abundant joy to be the mark of their lives. It’s hard at times to expect and accept that in my own life.
Here I am though, in the midst of the insecurity. Reaching, writing, living, trying, and many times the response however small is enough to keep me going to remind me in all of this I am loved, loved, loved, even as I screw up, and I’m probably not screwing up half as much as I think I am. So here’s praying and hoping this 25th year of life has a lot less anxiety and insecurity and a lot more joy, hope, and celebration.
A Prayer for the Ones Who Need His Love
Infuse me with you, O God, show me how to be a force of love and goodness in the world. Remind me that acts of love are always good no matter how small. Help me to let that love pour on myself. Remind me that it’s okay to not be okay. And thank you, God, that you are always here always present always loving. Amen.