Pushing Play

It feels fitting that today’s daily word would be pause. I took a long not totally intentional pause from this blog. I’ve been struggling through a creative block. It felt like the only creative things I could do were ones that had a clear purpose. For example: over this past month I painted and made decorations for my husbands birthday (just yesterday, he’s an April Fools baby), I wrote a poem and submitted to a poetry contest run by my library, I continue to make thoughtful creative lessons for my students (they rarely appreciate that though), I’ve made cards and letters.

It felt like if I had a deadline or clear reason to do it I could create something. This blog, writing a story, drawing or painting for the hell of it–not as much. I did spurts and random things (accumulated a few more drafts for this blog), but for the most part this past month I have not written much of anything beyond lesson plans and to do lists.

Work goes on and it’s no longer miserable, but I have no hope I’ll ever feel good about it. Everyday is hard, just some days are less hard, and I expect it so I’m not overwhelmed anymore, but I want to have hope I’ll have more joy in my next job. Whatever that is.

For now though focusing on the joys of my own life help keep things in perspective. My really solid marriage, my friends who live nearby and do fun things with me and listen to my frustrations with work, my friends who live far away and are still so available for me, my family, my house family, and Mittens among other things. I know I’m so young still being in my early 20s, and yet the feelings don’t disappear just because I combat them with sense.

I feel like I don’t have the drive and am losing my talent as a writer. I feel like I’m going to get into another job that I’ll also be mildly miserable much like I was most of this year. I feel like I just started to figure out the balance and I already am not a fan, it just feels like so much of life is working and maybe if I loved what I’m doing it be different, but if this year has taught me anything it’s that I really value my relationships and time at home to do things I love with people I love.

I am reading this book titled, The Artist Way by Julia Cameron that a dear friend lent me. I was hoping I would help me quickly get over this block. So far I’ve been pretty consistent at doing my morning pages which for now if nothing else help me to go into the day with a little less angst. Morning pages is simply three pages of stream of consciousness writing, there’s no agenda, they aren’t written to produce writing, but simply to freely write at the start of the day.

There are writing exercises meant to free your creativity through various different methods. And right now all I can manage is reading through them. I try honest to God, but I feel too blocked to even do that. So I write and create in the ways that I can, but it feels empty and makes me feel fake.

It feels like I’m watching this fantastic music video and then it paused, and I’m being told over and over again not to watch it because it just gets worse from there. But I want to watch, but I’m still stuck on pause. I can see it for myself, make my own judgments, but they’re refusing for my own protection.

So this is me breaking the pause in my own awkward slightly ugly way. I still have hope my young dreams of being a writer as what I do and spend my life (and honestly earn money from) comes true. Right now being a content, holistically fulfilled (spiritual, physical, mental, emotional) functioning adult feels like a long stretch at times. Pushing play on my blog again, even imperfectly feels like a step forward though.

Glad to be back, glitter on.

Juanita

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2 thoughts on “Pushing Play

  1. Perfectly said. The adulating life is not all fun and games, and somedays I wish I could go back to when I only did things for fun. Can’t say I know what I am doing most of the time. The only consolation some days is knowing that God can always pick up any pieces. Some times the best way to move forward includes making a giant mess.

    • Thanks, Elizabeth, both for reading and your comment. It is definetly not all fun and games, but the hard parts mostly seem worth it, especially meaningful work and relationships. Still I find a lot of encouragement in what you’re saying.

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