I just really want the words to come. Right now on my wordpress account I have 31 drafts, tiny compared to the 109 published posts, but they nag at me.
This is about my 4th attempt today to put words on the screen.
I don’t write as much as I think I should as a writer. Writing is what gives me life, the 30+ journals filled with my word vomit can attest to that. Lately though I seem to be fighting against myself. I have desire to live more meaningfully, to write more, to love and serve in more impactful ways and yet I work against myself. Sometimes though I don’t think I can accept where I’m at.
For the past few weeks I have been content to not do much. On designated days after breakfast I go to workout with my husband, head to work, spend time with Miss J, come home, make and/or eat dinner, hang out in my housemate’s bed while we color or watch TV (or both), off to my bed to try to stay up till S comes home (which so far it’s a 50-50 gamble).
The weekdays blend in to each other. I get some time with the Lord throughout my day and especially before S comes home, but while I get a lot of grace and comfort I still don’t have direction.
S tells me my life/our life is meaningful, but sometimes I can’t help thinking–well that’s because his life actually is. I seem to be losing the sense of sacredness in my life. It’s all just a blur of living and people brushing past me. I have to work to stay present, to reach out to others, to love Miss J because sometimes it’s so easy to just veg out with her instead of being fully present with her.
Tonight though felt creative for two reasons 1) I spent a little of last night organizing my room and as much as I am a perpetual clutter bug I like organization it clears my space out physically and somehow the order clears my mind up as well 2) because my housemate went out and did something so I had to really think of my time. I wrote letters, I job searched, I reached out to make plans with friends, I also spent too much time on facebook, but I digress.
The other day when I was with Miss J I was reading to her from the Bible and this Scripture gripped me:
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:5, NIV)
I love how the author is confused about the state of his soul, because so often that’s what it feels like. I’m like soul aren’t we trusting the Lord, weren’t we just praying in gratitude and yet you’re sulking with all the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t get it, but still I will praise God.
So where am I going with this? I guess dear reader, I want to say sometimes (often) you will lack direction. And that’s okay. Sometimes you will be sad. And that’s okay. Sometimes you will be praising God and then breaking out in heavy tears because it’s just all too much. And that’s okay.
So I’m somewhere pushing for better, thankful for a time to write and reconnect with myself and Jesus. Hopeful that I will have the future I seek, comforted that my life is rich with meaning. I also realize that I can do something with this angst, that there are opportunities to love and care for others and add more beauty and meaning to myself and others. Mostly I’m thankful for this small act of art, this small act of writing it breaks away the doubts that tell me I’m not a writer, I’m just a washed up college graduate like so many others. But I’m not. I’m a writer. My degree added value to me. My life has worth and I will keep discovering that worth as I walk through life with Jesus. Today though I’m asking my soul why are you downcast and I also remind myself, that’s okay.
It really is okay,