So I’m part of this 31 day challenge, I’ll write on a new topic every day . I hope to focus them around the theme of my blog (life after college), and hope that through these unique words/topics I’ll add some more glitter to the world, inspiration to myself and others, and have some fun. You can learn more about it here.
Love is really hard and it really hurts. You can love people so well and so beautifully and they can stomp on your heart, or worse can be so indifferent to you that you wish they would say they hate you, at least than they would care.
You see I have an awesome husband, a caring family of origin, and some solid housemates, but friends oh they make my heart ache. Now I do have some really good best friends, some friends who are just so close and loving and there for me. But I have some friends who just rock me around. There in my life sometimes in major ways, but then life gets busy and I’m pushed aside. I get advised, don’t sit around pursue your people, but I’m so sick of being the pursuer sometimes.
I’ve always been a pursuer, I’ve always been the one who has to reach out. I let people know when my schedule is free. I tell them I’m here if you need me. I send I’m thinking of you texts. I do my best to remember birthdays and send out cards. I reach out to the best of my ability, but it seems like over and over I’m told no. And I get that people are busy sometimes a no today just means I had a crazy day and couldn’t respond to my messages, but you can count on those people, you know they’ll get back to you. What about the friends who string you around? When do you decide I’m just really busy is no longer a good excuse. I haven’t really figured it out.
What’s going on with some friends right now is mild,but I just feel neglected and rejected. But more so I think it’s that I love them so much and I feel like they just love me, or maybe just like me. We have such different ideas of what the relationship is and it hurts desperately. I wonder why I try. I wonder why I love. I wonder why I continue to try to forge those connections to love more and delve deeper.
And I’m reminded that love is worthwhile and while you can’t call it friendship, loving people even when they can’t or won’t love you back still has purpose.
In terms of friendships though perhaps it’s a sign to invest a bit more into the relationships that are strongest and most mutually nurturing. I still recall how college promised my life long best friends and in some ways it’s been true, and in other ways that expectation has produced so much pain. Things after college are so challenging, but I will say the friends who are true friends in my post college life, they’re the truest.
Glitter and love,