Staying Firmly in the Present is Hard!

Remember as a kid you just couldn’t wait to be a grown up, when you’d have a job, money, family and everything you ever wanted, yeah I’m still waiting to be a grown up too.

One thing I have really noticed, is that it’s hard to stay in the moment as a 20 something college grad. We are constantly looking toward next.

It will be so amazing when I pay off my debt.

I can’t wait until this semester is over.

Can we just be married already?

When am I going to have my real job?

Hopefully, when I’ve paid my dues, I’ll have money.

Is it summer yet?

Of course as humans we constantly are looking to the future, and the worriers among us know the special agony of stressing about the future long before it’s here. I can tell you the biggest stress of my senior year, wasn’t comps, schoolwork, or my job, it was worrying about what life would be like post graduation. So much that in the last weeks of the semester I went to counseling.

Now with only 12 days until I get married, the present honestly feels agonizing. Don’t be fooled by my quiet demeanor and inability to express excitement obviously:

I am bubbling over with quiet anticipation, I’m grateful, I have chores, wedding projects, and of course my daily routines of work and commuting to keep me occupied. I really cannot wait for the gathering of my family and friends, the commitment S and I will make to each other and unto God, and the laughter, joy, tears, and fun I know that will accompany our day. Plus I’m looking forward to our honeymoon, our marriage, having a home together, you know life.

But for the past few weeks it’s been more rough being with Miss J, not because she’s become harder to handle (we’ve actually some pretty good days lately), but because I want to move forward into the life I’m anticipating. The life in which I’m a happy confident wife, who is paid for the stories she creates, who doesn’t go on long commutes, who can drive, who throws awesome parties, is heavily involved in her church, who has friends near and far (mostly near), who has money to travel and pay off debt, who is close to having (or maybe even has) kids, basically living what I have deemed my dream life. Of course this dream life doesn’t fully consider (or comprehend) what exactly God has in store for me.

But right now, I’m working part time for an elderly lady with dementia, and it’s just okay right now. I don’t hate it, I don’t love it. I do it to the best of my ability and try to get any enjoyment out of it, if I can. I am staying in my shared housing and S will be moving in with us making for a unique first year of marriage. And money, I mean we are saving money by this housing arrangement, but the end of our debt seems like a long way off, and it makes the issue of kids problematic, we want them, but when does it make even a tiny bit of sense to have them?

So dream life is very dreamy, and while I’m making small steps towards it (hello getting married in 12 days!!), I’m doing my best to really live in today. To move towards the future, but just focus on today’s joys and challenges: Communicating better with S (which apparently is a lifelong journey, Lord help us), getting my room in shape, caring for Miss J to the best of my ability, it’s really hard with all the anticipation. But you know I can do it. So whatever is looming ahead, grad school, marriage, moving, new jobs, remember to stay faithful in the transition, to not lose site of the present in light of the future. The good things will come, don’t miss out on the good things that are right in your face.

Keep glittering,

Juanita

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