Opening Your Heart

So I’m just going to put this out there. I’m in my twenties, I have college debt, I have very limited assets, I’m about to get married, and paying my bills (as small as they are right now) every month is a struggle. The job I currently have (caring for Miss J) is both dissatisfying and not making it possible to thrive financially. So I am job searching. And I am bitter. And I am weary.

It is hard to write all that down. The stress of financial instability is compounded by the fact that in 8 rapidly approaching weeks I am getting married. And much is up in the air. It’s odd how something can feel so wonderfully right and yet at the same time just have so much yuck surrounding it. And things are not all doom and gloom. We’ve been given wonderfully overwhelming and generous gifts. Our relationship is stronger than ever. Family to a degree is supporting us, at least in the ways they are capable of. Most of the details of the wedding (and there are a lot) are getting hammered out. And there have just been so many unexpected moments of joy and fun along this road.

It’s hard though. I’m doing my best not to, but I have been slipping into my savings just to pay bills. I can’t really afford to do anything expect free stuff I can access by the T. Or you know just stay home. And the desire to continue job searching wanes and wanes as rejection after rejection comes in. There is light though.

Yesterday I spent time with S, after a decent afternoon with my family, we went to my place. We ended up having a lovely dinner with two of my housemates and their friends. It felt like community. After dinner everybody wanted to go to J. P. Licks. S was getting tired and getting ready to go home. I wanted to go to J. P. Licks, but I said the truth, I can’t afford it right now. I had paid for my portion of the utilities and groceries already, money was low I couldn’t justify even that small amount on ice cream.

Well, my housemates called me aside to “help them with something”. There in an extravagant display of love they offered to pay for me, saying they wanted me to come with them and not have money be a reason to not go. I was overwhelmed. And I went out and I ended up having an absolutely wonderful time.

Here’s the thing, when I came to this little home a few months ago, I had this intense feeling of peace when we all prayed together at our first meeting. I knew right then that God intended me to be there. These women have blessed me so much and showed me such love, I have no doubts even with these financial struggles this is where God wants me to be for this time. What has been really good and also strangely hard is letting these ladies love me. I may be struggling right now (and I wish it was only financially), and these ladies have helped me in so many ways. They’ve been understanding and generous with money. They have had many life giving conversations with me. They’ve celebrated my birthday. Laughed with me. Shared many meals with me. Appreciated me in big and small ways, and showed how rich and life giving it is to share a home with strangers. There have been bumps foraging into new territories, new food, and learning boundaries and how to communicate with people who are not your family.

It’s been such a rich experience, it feels like I’ve always belonged here. My first post about moving in was expressing the awkwardness of living with strangers and wondering if it would feel like home. And oh, dear readers it does. God has been so gracious. I am learning that while I may not have everything right now, I do still have a roof over my head, a job, the bills are being paid even though it’s a struggle to do so and I am learning, how to ask for help, how to share my struggles, how to listen, how to care for people, and sometimes what’s even harder to open my heart and be cared for. Open your heart to the people around you no matter your circumstances, no matter your age, you won’t regret it.

Glitter on,

Juanita

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2 thoughts on “Opening Your Heart

  1. Ah, to be young, poor, and full of dreams! Thank you for your honesty—there is no shame in opening up about our struggles. Life is stressful now, but supportive friends sure do help. Keep blogging away!

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