It’s been WAY too long, since my last post, but Easter is coming, and He is rising. Tomorrow Jesus is going to storm out of the tomb, and for that I am extremely grateful.
That said I’ve been thinking. Some themes in my life has been struggle, journey, taking the safe/easy road, and honestly just my own rottenness.
On the last point I have a short story. Basically I was on my way home and I was developing a headache and tired (had to pee too), and this blind man gets off the T. The door I’m about to go into. He asks for guidance to the red line. I say nothing. No else does. He repeats the question. Twice.
My neighbor needed help, and I knew I should help him, I had inner conflict about helping him, but I chose the easy way, the coward way, the not loving my neighbor way and I got on the T. Immediately I had this overwhelming sense that I had made the wrong decision. I did the only thing I could do: I prayed forgiveness.
I know I am forgiven, and I’ve learned from it. I know some will say it’s a little thing, but it was wrong, especially since I knew I should offer help.So that day I was faced with how rotten I am, and how the old habits are still there. Because righteousness and doing good are so much more than being polite, sometimes it is going above and beyond.
I don’t feel like I’m a good person lately, which is hard to take in. Not that I ever thought I was perfect, being a Christian puts to light how ugly humans are and how much we need a Savior, Jesus. But really, I just feel like I run from the hard path, I get caught up in petty things, I am loving and generous, but only when it’s convenient.
Here’s the thing I’ve seen though, God doesn’t look at me like that. He says me as the new creation. Of course, He always desires me to improve, we’re on a journey of holiness together, but he calls me good, born again, child, sinless. As long as I seek him and continue in relationship with him and earnestly go to him to be holy, missteps don’t matter. I learn from them, but they are no longer who I am.
And well the other day I had a house meeting with my roommates and we were just sharing about different things including our spiritual walks, and then we finished by praying for each other.
At one point one of my roommates prayed, basically thanking God for my presence in the house and my courage for trying new things and seeking and investing in community.
Those words are still echoing in my head. Courageous. Ha. I feel in most decisions, I hear God, I hem I haw, I question, finally reluctantly I take the first step. I don’t find that courageous. I seek community because sometimes it feels like I will literally die without it. I’m not kidding. I feel pointless without family, without connection, without community. Solitude has it’s time and place, but digging deep and investing in and sharing life with others is how I feel most alive.
So here I am about to get married, a recent college graduate, and I am figuring out how to be an adult, how to make my faith even more authentic and relevant in a life that gives me discomfort, confusion, and struggle. The joy is real though as is the peace. This life is good, I just need to embrace the struggle. And to remember my struggle is not that big a deal either, it could be so much worse, and it may be in the future, and hopefully by the grace of God I’ll face it.
Sometimes it’s good to hear what other people see in you, and embrace that. My actions may not look like courage to me, but maybe they show other people how to be courageous and challenge me to be the person others see. And God of course he always challenges us to be brighter, bolder, holier, more like him, which ultimately makes us that much more us and human.
I’m using all these perspectives to be the me I was created to be.