Too Hot–Not Really

So I like the song “Uptown Funk”

Major reason is because I have a roaring crush on Bruno Mars (But S is my one and only forever), he’s cute, he’s got a great voice, and it’s fun to admire him.

“Uptown Funk” to put it lightly is not a Christian song. Euphemisms and self absorption abound. I think part of what I find so charming (apart from the hot beat, and awesome vocals), is the “I don’t give a damn confidence”. I mean take this snippet:

“I’m too hot (hot damn)
Called a police and a fireman
I’m too hot (hot damn)
Make a dragon wanna retire man
I’m too hot (hot damn)
Say my name you know who I am”

He’s so hot he makes a dragon want to retire, I don’t think I’m that hot. I don’t really think anyone is. But to sing it boldly, maybe I admire it a little. Oh, I know that in Christian talk, we are servants, we love and we see others as greater than ourselves. That is the lifestyle I want as a new creation, the old me though the old me wants to walk into a room and have people say “hot damn”.

Actually it’s funny, S and I were in premarital counseling and the pastor, is not who’s officiating (since our officiant is in another state), but he knows both of us fairly well and he made the casual remark that I don’t like talking about myself. Which is true for anyone who knows me, which is ironic being a writer and writing, but hey writing is so much easier than sharing my heart through words. Plus they’re looking right at me! But here’s the thing I want people to think I have it going on. That I’m an awesome writer (with the talent to back it up of course). I love a good compliment. I like admiration. But the reality is that’s not the life I should be seeking. At the end of the day I want God to shine his face upon me and be proud of me. I don’t like that I need human affirmation. I pray about it and God’s working on me, but I get the feeling it’s going to be a lifelong journey. What makes it hard too is I know I don’t even deserve it.

Not to say I’m a talent-less slob, but I’m not the big deal I want to be. I’m an average person in the best way. I think I’m practiced and getting better at many things in my life, I’m getting to be a better human, that’s for sure. But I don’t have it all together. I get stressed out when I do pretty much anything involving wedding planning. I hate talking about myself. Job searching makes me feel like throwing up. Sometimes I lose touch with my family members for too long periods of time. My prayers are mush. I get angry at dumb things. I spend too much time in my pajamas. I am irrevocably human as I aspire to holiness.

I’m not too hot, frankly a lot of times I’m lukewarm, the kind that makes God spit me out all over the table. But I am loved, and in that love I am made holy. So I don’t have it all together (and well, even Bruno Mars isn’t actually too hot). And probably I should not look to man at all and only to God. Thank goodness, in a modern world full of choices, and technology, and catchy songs there is a God who loves and forgives and says Juanita, when you’re on fire for me, that’s all you need. Because, hot damn, God is awesome.

Glitter on,

Juanita

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This topic again–Yes, Passion.

So I try to not repeat topics too much, but I think I have a different insight on this topic so bare with me.

So passion is something I talk about a lot on this blog in one way or another, back in the early days of this blog I wrote a whole post just on passion. And well, it’s honestly an obsession of mine, am I living a life of passion? Have I found my passion? Where should passion manifest?

And well, I’m often concerned about finding my passion in my work/career life–but perhaps I should be re-thinking that. You see in just these few short months I performed in a show, I hosted my first adult party, and I got to reconnect and celebrate with old friends.

What do these things have in common? They gave me joy.

Because honestly as much as I love caring for Miss J (that’s the dear older woman with dementia I spend time with) and working for her family there are some days I’m just getting through things. I don’t complain. I’m thankful for the paycheck, the flexibility, and going home feeling that I did something with my time. But honestly I’m not passionate, sometimes to keep myself sane, I find something I know will keep her quiet and occupied so I don’t have to answer (yet again) questions about family, where she lives, and when she’ll see her son again (who she literally saw less than an hour ago).

Anyway my point is I’m grateful but this elusive passion is not likely to be found spending time with Miss J or working in the classroom (although some moments in the classroom can be pretty fantastic, and okay sometimes my times with Miss J).

But I find such joy, such passion, such life when I’m hosting an adult party for my friends and family with my fiance. I feel those same feelings when I’m speaking about the things that matter to me: women, the Bible, my Creator, love, writing, all things that came up in the play I was a part of. I felt that this weekend, when I could just be with old friends, and laugh and feel loved and known. I feel that when I sit with my family and have a warm meal with them. I feel that when I watch a good movie with my roommates. I feel that when I’m immersed in a good book. I feel that when I pray. I feel that when I’m snuggling with my fiance. I feel that when I catch my long distance Bestie on Facebook messenger. It’s a million little things and for now I don’t feel that much when I’m grading or with Miss J. I’m so grateful for the work because it gives me the time to do those things, to live in a place I love, and money to spend on adventures like going to Fire + Ice for the first time (highly recommend it by the way, especially if it’s someone’s birthday, and don’t pay anyone mind who tells you it’s too much to get three plates of food)!

So I guess that’s how I’m rethinking passion. Hold on to those moments. Enjoy them, relish them. Respect that life is full of ups and downs (sometimes within a day), and think about what moments spark you with joy.

Because, seriously, it’s okay that you don’t want to do a magical happy dance while you’re at work. It’s okay if you’re just grateful it pays the bills. It’s okay if you dream more about spending time with loved ones then spending time working. It’s really okay. Passion ebbs and flows. New things come into your life. God has you focus on some things more and other things less. I’m getting more comfortable with finding passion everywhere, and accepting that in some parts of my life it’s just not.

Glitter on,

Juanita

Hear their story, invest in their story

So last I posted I was upset because I was so overwhelmed and intimidated with the plays success and well it was moving my party around, my life around. And yeah it’s a small thing, but I’m trying not to deny my emotions or what matters to me. If there is one thing this show has taught me, it’s that my story matters. It matters a lot.

I’ve been really thinking about that: sharing your story.

I am a person who longs to love deeply.

I’m really bad at having acquaintances, if I know you you’re a friend. I may have different degrees of closeness, but if I know you, then you know something of my heart. Shallow is just not for me.

The hard thing with that is that while I don’t invest in a lot of people I invest deeply into those people. I want to hear their stories, spend my time with them, and love them. And when they’re in pain, I’m in pain. When they’re happy, I’m happy.

Being part of this play in which we’ve shared our stories to create healing and stories for others has really made them my family. And like any real family, I don’t always agree with them, they get on their nerves, I don’t always like them, but I love them unconditionally. And sometimes you just want to say the thing that will make everything perfect, but sometimes listening and a hug is the greatest thing  you can do.

So I guess what I want to say is we’re all going through this great adventure call life, whether you’re an extrovert with friends out your butt, or an introvert who can count her nearest and dearest on one hand, invest in your friends, love them, listen to their stories, watch out for them, laugh with them, cry with them. No matter if they’re friends only for a time or for the rest of your life, invest, true friendship no matter how long it lasts will never leave you with regrets.