So it’s exactly one week and one day until opening night of the Women in the Bible Play (not its official name) and it’s amazing and so scary.
We open in just over a week and we are not off book and my lines are all scrambled in my head and going over them doesn’t always help. But we have more rehearsals and a really good stage manager and director and as a cast we are all supporting and encouraging each other.
Still demons have started to attack. And I don’t use that word lightly.
I don’t seem to sleep lately, I just doze and obsess over my lines, worry that I’m not loud enough, and I think of all the people coming to see our show and my heart beats, rapidly.
I feel like I won’t be loud enough.
I feel I won’t give my lines the right emphasis.
I’m afraid I’ll freeze at the worst possible moment.
I feel like I still am not as good as I could be.
I feel like when I speak people will lose the story.
To put it simply I feel like I won’t be enough. Not not good enough. Just not enough at all.
Beyond this show I am quite familiar with that feeling. I feel it when I apply to job after job and get rejection after rejection. I feel it when I write for this blog and it seems like almost no one is reading it. I feel it sometimes when others love me so wildly and beautifully and I wonder how did I deserve this? I feel it when I meet God in those quiet secret places.
God, Wisest of All, reminds that I am not enough in my own strength, but He makes me enough.
Still this show is stretching me beyond acting and line memorization, it’s challenged me to be a more authentic human being, to be honest about how I see myself, to be honest with the questions I have, and to trust that when I can’t see myself, when I can’t hear myself, others listen, others see me, and God does most of all.
Growing up is hard enough without feeling like you have to do through a thousand hoops to get there. Just keep growing, just keep moving, remember baby steps are often just as powerful as huge ones.
God made you enough, you are enough, just by being you.