Sometimes being an adult sucks, because you have to make choices. Choices you find good ultimately, but that can still leave you with a lingering sense of loss and disappointment even though you value the decision you made. So let me give you more detail. So as you readers know I’m in a play about Bible women. Modern women relating to women in the Bible and asking some really serious questions. Well people loved it, which is amazing, and I’m still processing that and how awesome that is. It’s overwhelmed me honestly. I mean I love this show, don’t doubt that for a moment, but I never for a second thought this would go beyond this weekend. And people within and outside the cast have big dreams for the show. And honestly I don’t. I’m grateful God could use me. I’m blessed I said yes, but I have a lot of hopes and dreams that don’t involve this show and don’t extend beyond this semester. You know how somehow you know when you’re supposed to be a part of something and when you’re not. That’s how I feel. And well, I was going to throw my first grown up party. To celebrate being in my new place, my relationship with S, and honoring myself and my journey. And by committing to be in the encore performance, I commit to postponing my party. Which means now some people won’t be able to make it. Which means I have to readjust my life. And I am disappointed. I have been so excited for this party. And I don’t like change. And well, it was going to be a relief for this show to be over. I love it. I’m glad it’s being used in such wild ways, I’m glad it’s opening hearts, I am beyond humbled. But still this party is important. And I refuse to deny that to myself. I think that’s one thing that I never realized about growing up, there’s so many factors into making a decision. It’s not as easy as saying yes or no. Compromise is huge. And that part of being true to yourself is admitting what’s important to you even when others just don’t get it. So I’m glad to be a part of this show. I’m glad that more people will have the opportunity to see this show. But I’m also not all my heart committed to loving it and being a part of it forever however far it goes beyond next weekend. And I’m disappointed I won’t be having a party this weekend. And I wish I could easily make the decision and just be a ball of joy about it. But I’m not, sometimes being a self aware adult sucks. Growing up isn’t always glitter, sometimes times it’s conflicting feelings, tough decisions, and being misunderstood. Glitter on, Juanita
So it’s exactly one week and one day until opening night of the Women in the Bible Play (not its official name) and it’s amazing and so scary.
We open in just over a week and we are not off book and my lines are all scrambled in my head and going over them doesn’t always help. But we have more rehearsals and a really good stage manager and director and as a cast we are all supporting and encouraging each other.
Still demons have started to attack. And I don’t use that word lightly.
I don’t seem to sleep lately, I just doze and obsess over my lines, worry that I’m not loud enough, and I think of all the people coming to see our show and my heart beats, rapidly.
I feel like I won’t be loud enough.
I feel I won’t give my lines the right emphasis.
I’m afraid I’ll freeze at the worst possible moment.
I feel like I still am not as good as I could be.
I feel like when I speak people will lose the story.
To put it simply I feel like I won’t be enough. Not not good enough. Just not enough at all.
Beyond this show I am quite familiar with that feeling. I feel it when I apply to job after job and get rejection after rejection. I feel it when I write for this blog and it seems like almost no one is reading it. I feel it sometimes when others love me so wildly and beautifully and I wonder how did I deserve this? I feel it when I meet God in those quiet secret places.
God, Wisest of All, reminds that I am not enough in my own strength, but He makes me enough.
Still this show is stretching me beyond acting and line memorization, it’s challenged me to be a more authentic human being, to be honest about how I see myself, to be honest with the questions I have, and to trust that when I can’t see myself, when I can’t hear myself, others listen, others see me, and God does most of all.
Growing up is hard enough without feeling like you have to do through a thousand hoops to get there. Just keep growing, just keep moving, remember baby steps are often just as powerful as huge ones.
God made you enough, you are enough, just by being you.
That’s basically what I feel right now.
The pressure to do my absolute best in this play I’m preforming in.
Pressure to get all the wedding stuff sorted out.
Pressure to make more money so I can keep up with all the bills.
Pressure to be a good friend.
Pressure to give more to my church.
And while many of those pressures are purely internal, the pressure is still real, and heavy.
Last night I got to sit on my bed with my best friend and share bread bowls and release some of the pressure, because I can be real with her. I know that she won’t resent me. She won’t chide me for complaining. She won’t tell me you’re engaged, how could you possibly be miserable. She runs lines with me and encourages me and she makes me think I might not be as crappy a friend as I think I am. And in turn it’s easy to do the same for her. To let her just be herself, no pressure.
And while the pressure doesn’t seem to lighten I’m thankful for those in my life who help ease the pressure, to help me with those who add to it. Because we have people of both types in our life, though hopefully the pressure isn’t coming from those you are closest to.
So in the midst of this life, when it seems like all the pressures of the world are heavy on your shoulders I hope you have God and some of His people who simply say be yourself, no pressure.