The other day I was talking with my fiance. He told me that something he wants for us when we get married is a cedar chest, at the foot of our bed. Like this beauty:
It will give off that rich wood smell and hold our blankets, quilts, and mementos. Something of our own. These are the little things my love says that remind me why I love him. He dreams of cedar chests, going to church, holding babies, long meals, and moment by moment us creating a life together. Sometimes I feel very distanced from that reality. It feels more like a dream than I would care to admit.
Yet, wildly life has been coming together more sharply in just these six and a half weeks since camp ended.
- I am becoming a more permanent fixture in the city I went to school in.
- I go to church there (while still attending and participating in church in my hometown) and have been asked to participate more in the church through their worship teams.
- I have a part time job and it looks like another part time job, (will update you when and if that happens).
- I have friends there and a rich community of people who care about me and are looking out for me.
- I have more consistency in my relationship with my fiance who lives and works in my college town
- I recently joined a writing group in my hometown. While I still have down days because of frustration and confusion, a month into things I think I have a handle on how life is looking at least for the next few weeks.
So what’s the problem?
I didn’t realize that when things started to feel a little more grounded I’d feel a pull.
I wonder why I’m being pulled into my college community when I’m dreaming of other things. I wonder why I keep getting rejection after rejection, yet this new job feels extraordinarily right doing something I’ve never done before in my life. I wonder why it’s so hard for me to step outside my family even though I really am excited and desire to make my own life. And I wonder why even though my fiance, my work, and my community are in my college town, I’m resisting.
Because as usual, things are happening, but not how I expected, so I’m cautious. Too cautious.
Everyday I make progress, sometimes it’s internally (okay so most of the time it’s internally), but sometimes I have those markers. I’m immersed in community. I have routines. I pay most of my bills. I have a job I can count on (even if it doesn’t bring in that much money) I make consistent plans with my fiance.
So you know I become more adult every day. Some days more than others I have to tell myself: it’s good, I can handle it, and it’s these little steps every day that will bring me to the future I envision. God’s planted these Cedar Chest Dreams in me, in us. So while the reality of living with my family and not always having enough money to get the things I need feels very distant from a life with my love filling up a cedar chest with blankets, warmth and memories-I hold on, because God gave us those dreams for a reason and there is no doubt they’re coming true. Well, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.